4 Months Alreday?

Ohmigosh - I can't believe it's been four months since my last post. This is ridiculous. But, I guess once I become a Mom I'll Blog more - I read it's 'the' thing to do for Mom's. I believe I will be known as a "Mommy Blogger" - or something like that. I hear Mom's do this as a way to reach out to others . . .

So, yeah, Steve and I are expecting. We're due around January 1. Yes, that's right, we both are expecting. I may be doing the grunt work, but Steve is very much a part of this journey. Steve and I learned quick that people congratulate the Mom-to-be far more then the Dad. Seems odd since he was there at conception and will be there at birth and all the way through our child's life into adulthood - Lord willing.

So, what's prompting me to write? Probably the two papers I should be finishing by the 19th has something to do with this. But also, I think I am in the midst of crisis and wondered if another had some wisdom. You see, as I transition into the ranks of motherhood I'm a little freaked out. What about you may ask? Well, let me share with you:

1.) Loosing my identity. Already it seems that I am no longer just me. For instance, no longer do people ask, "How are you?" expecting to hear about "me". What they really mean or actually ask is, "How are you feeling?" or "How's baby?". I realize this is often out of concern - perhaps pity too, because their face often contorts into a sort of sad, concerned look - but still. What about me? Baby is fine. I'm eating right, trying to sleep well (though let me tell you, switching from my tummy to my side is an ordeal!), and frankly it seems that God has blessed me with the ability to be pregnant easily, thus far. Sure it's hard to understand that I am one being and baby is another since baby is so dependent on me in the womb. I guess this is preparing me for when baby actually comes and suddenly all conversations some how end up being about baby/children. This leads me to point number 2.

2.) Talking baby/kids. Already it seems that more than 75% of conversations I have with friends revolves around baby, baby products, birth, children in general, pregnancy, etc. I am thankful for my job so that I have other things to discuss with adults. I am not looking forward to talking all baby when baby comes though. I know I will have questions and will want to talk baby to some select friends and family, so as to get help with things. And I'm sure I'll be a proud Mom no matter how homely our baby may look, or how much baby cries, or how little sleep baby brings, or how sore my nipples (should I in fact be able to breast feed) or other body parts feel, so I will want to share that. But, I will also want to talk about how the war in Afghanistan is futile, that Stephen Harper is bending over for George Bush, how the 100-mile-diet is awesome, how my faith journey is going, when and where Steve and I are going to do work overseas - or at least away, what I am passionate about, etc. But, I hear that doesn't happen much. What I hear happens is I join a Mom's group so I can brag about my baby, sometimes feel judge for the way I mother and sometimes do crafts. I get to join Rock & Roll Moms, so I can get out of the house and burn off that baby weight so I can "look like myself again", and talk about all the weight I gained but how it was worth it b/c my baby is . . . I get to stay at home and hope to have an adult visitor come by so I don't feel so isolated and don't pounce on Steve the minute he gets home so I can have a conversation with an adult. This does not sound thrilling to say the least.

3.) Being a parent. I am really fortunate to have such an incredible "good-enough" Mom. She's never been a superhero and I am glad for that. It makes motherhood seem possible in a day and age of superhero / helicopter parenting. My Mom has always made me feel loved and instilled in me that I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to. Both she and my dad constantly remind me of how proud they are of me (and Steve) and I am glad for it. I hope that I too, despite my foibles, am able to be the kind of parent my Mom was and is. Of course there are things that I will do differently and things that I will hope I am doing differently - but probably won't due to it being a 'learned behaviour' that I don't even recognize. But, being a Mom / parent seems so scary due to the depth of influence I will have and not have on a life.

4.) People touching my belly. Back off - that's all I have to say. If I don't invite you - don't try. Sorry - I am not the touch-type and can't see how someone can justify touching someone so intimately in this day and age. I'm not reaching out to touch any thing on you I may find interesting, so how does a swollen tummy filled with mine and Steve's baby give you permission to touch me?

So, there you have it. These are some of the things that go through my mind. Overall, I guess I am trying to prepare myself for the loss of some of my identity as I hear that happens. Seems that as I grow and then push a new life out I must sacrifice much of my own. Depressing. And I'm sure it doesn't have to happen - or at least not so intensely as I have imagined or perhaps stated. But, I am so scared of losing myself - of being in limbo. I am scared of not being content, of becoming angry, of being resentful of so much change all at once . . . I know that there will be many moments of joy, I know that though baby brings lots of work I will say at the end of the day, "It's worth it". But I fear the expense it will cost me and whether I will be able to make this sacrifice well so that baby is emotionally healthy, Steve is emotionally healthy, our marriage remains solid, and I too remain emotionally healthy and somewhat intact.

Thoughts?