I have a confession: So after I ranted about buying from developing countries and shipping these items long distance I went away on a trip with three female friends to do exactly that – buy from developing countries that use slave labour, etc. But, please note, this trip was something of an anomaly for me for several reasons:
1. The friends are the wives of my husband’s friends.
2. The point of the trip was to shop.
3. The shopping took place in the USA, more particularly at, “The Mall of America” and “Super Target”.
4. The shopping was sponsored by MasterCard.
5. I am trying to be more conscious of where I am buying or from what country, etc.
Why is this a confession? Well besides the obvious (again stealing from the economically disabled and buying out of country only to put it on credit) I do not feel good for this shopping expedition because there was no real joy to it. We were four women on a mission of consumerism. Four women out to buy and get away with as much as we could without having to pay duty - which BTW the Canadian government raised to $400CDN from $200CDN for a 2 -4 day trip to the USA about 2 weeks before my trip.
Sure in the evening we ladies chatted and hung-out, despite exhaustion after a day of shopping. But real conversation, the stuff that makes a friend a friend didn’t come until the drive home. And even then it felt shallow. My confession then, is that I didn’t brave the situation, I let it pass me by. I didn’t try to make friends.
Why do I find it difficult to connect to others? Why does it feel like I can’t be honest with others? For instance, something bothered me about a particular topic on the trip. However, rather than talk it out, I ignored it. I guess I didn’t want to ruffle feathers? But, isn’t that what a friend does? They venture into the deeps – the sacred space of another to share, to laugh, to challenge, to encourage, to support, to cry with, etc.
I know there are different levels of friendship. But, why is it I find myself at the shallow end of the pool? Is it because I have my guard up, afraid of judgment? More than likely, as I am terrible for judging and maintaining high standards for myself. So of course I would suspect others of this. What a sad state of affairs.
It’s amazing this world I live in. Praise for greed, praise for individualism, praise for – feeling alone?
I have the need to comment here, that I don’t feel all alone. Steve is a beautiful support and I love him, understanding that he loves me. And of course, being a Christian I have a relationship with God that ebbs and flows in distance and connection. All well and good, but what of the other human connections? I guess I’m looking for more than “Cheers” or the “Starbucks Experience”. I want to be known and to know others (thank you Larry Crabb).
How about you?
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6 comments:
again you have made me think. I absolutly love your blog for that reason. I've actually been thinking about almost that very thing that you described a lot lately. I don't know if you watch Gery's Anatomy but on that show they use a phrase about having "a person". This person would be someone other then your spouse. They would be the person you would call if you did something horribly wrong and needed to cover it up (the show's anaolgy, not mine). Anyway, I'm a big fan of that show so it has had me thinking about it for some time. I don't really have a person...and on the flip side of that, do I really need a person? Rob is truly my best friend. We pretty much spend all of our time together. We don't really participate in "girl's night out" or "boys night out". Mostly everything we do, we do together. Is that a good thing? Many people tell me no, but I love our relationship and i think our closeness makes us stronger in our relationship. However, sometimes it would be nice to have a person to talk about girl things with...and on one level a do. I know lots of moms from the local family resource center that I "talk" to, but not about things that I would worry they would judge me for. I could go on and on with this topic because my mind is racing....But I'll stop now because I think i'm rambling. Please don't mind the spelling errors....i've been typing very fast as I have a 2 year old and 3 year old hounding me for lunch.
I totally dig Grey's. We watch it EVERY week. And I get the 'person' thing. As you can tell, I think I want a 'person'. I wonder if I should allow Steve to be all that he is to me? I sometimes feel that perhaps I am a little co-dependent. 'Cause it seems that Steve has a lot of good guy friends. He even has a guys night. Yes, sometimes he too feels a loose connection to the guys, but it's a connection to others that I don't have - near-by me anyway. I barely have others that I can call to hang out with. So, often I find Steve out with friends and I'm at home. Don't get me wrong though, I am very much a big fan of home alone time. But, as your friends tell you, I don't think it's healthy that I depend on Steve so much to be so much for me. He'll always be number one, but it would be nice to have a girlfriend or two to more than shop with. And I think there has been little glimpses of this in one or two female friends, but nothing has solidified yet. But, I am looking forward to it - I just have to be willing to allow it to happen.
thanks for the post, gillian. i think that we've all had those experiences when we're sitting with people but not really feeling that we're all that present. it seems more like we're just there because it's better than being somewhere else. but despite all that, like you said, it's about willingness too... martin buber talks about true encounter between people as being an act of will and grace (seriously, that's how it was translated from the german - and it's really quite perfect when you think about it, though not because of the show [because i never really got the show]). in other words, you have to be both willing to encounter another person, and then the other person has to be there, too. willingness and grace. maybe (if we go to the bible for a second) that's what david and jonathan found in each other - they found someone in whom they could rest. i heard a speaker say one time that we would all be lucky to find a friend like jonathan. maybe that's what gave david some of his strength.
Hey Gillian,
I can completely relate to what you are saying. For the past couple of year, I too find it difficult to connect with others, and long for the deep relationships I have had in the past.
Honestly, I think when we get "older" (that cracks me up, because we really aren't old). It is more difficult to find these type of friendships. Consider when your in highschool your amongst hundres of kids your own age and bound to find friends you share interests with and connect with, but now the friendship "pool" is a little bit smaller, but with time and effort its bound to happen!
Gillian, I'm really enjoying your writing. It's open, vulnerable, and because of that, encouraging. It takes guts to say these things, to say look, I don't have it all together. I've been feeling the same way down here in Syracuse, and in the past few years in general, like I'm never anywhere long enough to makes lasting connections. Instead I feel like a friend-slut! There's definitely something to be said for permanence. Thanks again. I am happy Steve's has such a great wife.
gillian...i'd like us to be friends.
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