The Importance of a Kitchen Window

I have a dishwasher (which is energy efficient and we only turn it on when it’s jammed packed and we only use the light cycle – there justified).

So, I have a dishwasher, yet I still find myself washing pots, pans, the cat’s dish, travel mugs, Nalgene bottles, and so forth at the sink located under the kitchen window. I enjoy this time spent with my hands in the soapy, warm, water that smells of sweet green apples. In fact, there are times when I go to the kitchen in hopes of finding some dishes to wash. Crazy, I know, particularly considering the battles fought as a child, teen and even as a young adult (sorry Mom, Jenny, and all past roommates for any suffering and anguish this may have caused, either vented or not). So, what could possibly draw me to this little, stainless steel sink with a window above it?

The view is by no means spectacular. It is of a tiny backyard that fills with garbage blown in from the back lane. This dingy lane I stare at is often filled with cars from the Coptic Orthodox church, (they put Protestant Christians to shame with the amount of time they come together for church and prayer), the apartment dwellers just down the lane, and the ever abhorrent Balcean & Sons Plumbing trucks that seem to believe they own the entrance to the back lane and the lane itself – not to mention the amount of garbage this business dumps by the two dumpsters, which I also have the great fortune of viewing through my kitchen window.

So, it is not the view that draws me there. Nor do I believe it is my hyper need for cleanliness. Rather, I am drawn to the relaxing five to fifteen minutes that I spend there relatively quiet and uninterrupted. Here I stand as I deliberately wash a few dishes, reflecting. Often attempting to come to a comfortable resolve on a topic or releasing an issue that may have arisen either from the day or from my memory.

Recently, I was mulling over something my boss opened a staff meeting with. It was an idea he was pondering from a book he read regarding the past. What stood out to me was something about allowing the past to bless you . . . Hmm, what does that mean? And what a crazy thought – allowing my past to bless me?! Certainly, there are wonderful parts of my past that have formed and shaped me into who I am. I can see how much of my upbringing has impacted me and made me the strong, content, friendly person I am today. But, there is a time, in my life where I can’t see how it could bless me.

This is not to say this time was bleak and horrific. By no means was it, as I met many awesome individuals, experienced great things, and learned so much about people and life. However, when I journey back I sense a pain I never spoke of, I note a selfishness I lost myself to, and I am flooded with a fear that I now know I allowed myself to surrender to.

Perhaps it is the shame I carry from this mixed up time that drifts me back there, wondering how it could bless me. Perhaps it is the knowledge of the hurt I caused some people to experience then that keeps some memories ever present in my minds eye? Mostly though, I think it is the knowledge that I will not be able to apologize for this hurt caused. So, how can this bless me?

Yes, it has almost been ten years. And, it has also been brought to my attention that maybe I am arrogant to think that this undue harm I caused actually affects them to this day –that they ever even think on this time or me and the terrible decisions that were made. Perhaps this is true. But, I’ll never know. So, how can this bless me?

And so it is, at the kitchen window I stand, slowly washing my dishes, contemplating such things.

Where is your kitchen window?