Fumbling

I have a penchant towards the term “Fumbling” as a way of describing myself.

“Fumbling”, according to dictionary.com means:

1. To touch or handle clumsily or idly: "fumbled the receiver into its cradle" (Howard Kaplan).
2. To make a mess of; bungle.
3. To feel or make (one's way) awkwardly.
4. To grope awkwardly to find or to accomplish something: fumble for a key.
5. Football: To drop (a ball) while in play.
Baseball: To mishandle (a ground ball).

Why do I think this describes me?

I think for many that know me, they understand me to be a passionate person. I can agree with this. Passionate, yet idle. I have a great many ideals, yet when it comes down to it, I have ‘fumbled’ or ‘dropped the ball’.

Where have my passions lead me? To a job that I have to pep talk myself into thinking I am doing a great thing – advocating for Christian University Education (and btw I do not work for a Bible College – Bible Colleges are fine in and of themselves - but I do not work for one). I mean, I enjoy my job and the team I work with and the greater community, understanding that I am part of something that is helping to rise up Christian thinkers and leaders – and I’m pretty good at it. But, my passions were to lead to more extraordinary things, like serving others in sub-Sahara Africa – in the trenches of the HIV/AIDS pandemic. My passions were to lead me to teach gender studies in a Christian University – debunking gender stereotypes and the like. And I could go on.

I also find myself fumbling with friendships. As I wrote in my Blog entry, “Hanging out with Female Friends” I am not good with connecting to others. I often miss opportunities to develop deeper, more meaningful friendships. That it seems people put themselves out there to me, while I turn and swim back to the shallow end.

All these passions. All these good intentions . . . Reminds me of a saying a teacher once told me, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”. Hmmm, a phrase that could perhaps adequately define me too, for according to "The New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy", found on bartleby.com, this phrase means, “Merely intending to do good, without actually doing it, is of no value.”

Reflecting on all this suggests to me that perhaps I could replace the term 'passionate' to 'sensitive'. I am a sensitive person. It's something I try to hide, as I have been led to believe that being sensitive is a cowardly thing. But, more and more, I believe to be sensitive and to show it is a beautiful and strong thing. So, perhaps, up 'til now, I have been a 'passionate coward' - hmmm. . .

So, I feel as if I am fumbling through this world, seen through the lens of my age, socio-economic status, gender, stage of life, ethnicity, etc. Based on this, I am sure many in this world cannot relate to what I am saying. Maybe you can’t either? But, it's as Sarah McLaughlin once realized I am, “fumbling towards ecstasy”.

What word describes you?