Ohmigosh - I can't believe it's been four months since my last post. This is ridiculous. But, I guess once I become a Mom I'll Blog more - I read it's 'the' thing to do for Mom's. I believe I will be known as a "Mommy Blogger" - or something like that. I hear Mom's do this as a way to reach out to others . . .
So, yeah, Steve and I are expecting. We're due around January 1. Yes, that's right, we both are expecting. I may be doing the grunt work, but Steve is very much a part of this journey. Steve and I learned quick that people congratulate the Mom-to-be far more then the Dad. Seems odd since he was there at conception and will be there at birth and all the way through our child's life into adulthood - Lord willing.
So, what's prompting me to write? Probably the two papers I should be finishing by the 19th has something to do with this. But also, I think I am in the midst of crisis and wondered if another had some wisdom. You see, as I transition into the ranks of motherhood I'm a little freaked out. What about you may ask? Well, let me share with you:
1.) Loosing my identity. Already it seems that I am no longer just me. For instance, no longer do people ask, "How are you?" expecting to hear about "me". What they really mean or actually ask is, "How are you feeling?" or "How's baby?". I realize this is often out of concern - perhaps pity too, because their face often contorts into a sort of sad, concerned look - but still. What about me? Baby is fine. I'm eating right, trying to sleep well (though let me tell you, switching from my tummy to my side is an ordeal!), and frankly it seems that God has blessed me with the ability to be pregnant easily, thus far. Sure it's hard to understand that I am one being and baby is another since baby is so dependent on me in the womb. I guess this is preparing me for when baby actually comes and suddenly all conversations some how end up being about baby/children. This leads me to point number 2.
2.) Talking baby/kids. Already it seems that more than 75% of conversations I have with friends revolves around baby, baby products, birth, children in general, pregnancy, etc. I am thankful for my job so that I have other things to discuss with adults. I am not looking forward to talking all baby when baby comes though. I know I will have questions and will want to talk baby to some select friends and family, so as to get help with things. And I'm sure I'll be a proud Mom no matter how homely our baby may look, or how much baby cries, or how little sleep baby brings, or how sore my nipples (should I in fact be able to breast feed) or other body parts feel, so I will want to share that. But, I will also want to talk about how the war in Afghanistan is futile, that Stephen Harper is bending over for George Bush, how the 100-mile-diet is awesome, how my faith journey is going, when and where Steve and I are going to do work overseas - or at least away, what I am passionate about, etc. But, I hear that doesn't happen much. What I hear happens is I join a Mom's group so I can brag about my baby, sometimes feel judge for the way I mother and sometimes do crafts. I get to join Rock & Roll Moms, so I can get out of the house and burn off that baby weight so I can "look like myself again", and talk about all the weight I gained but how it was worth it b/c my baby is . . . I get to stay at home and hope to have an adult visitor come by so I don't feel so isolated and don't pounce on Steve the minute he gets home so I can have a conversation with an adult. This does not sound thrilling to say the least.
3.) Being a parent. I am really fortunate to have such an incredible "good-enough" Mom. She's never been a superhero and I am glad for that. It makes motherhood seem possible in a day and age of superhero / helicopter parenting. My Mom has always made me feel loved and instilled in me that I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to. Both she and my dad constantly remind me of how proud they are of me (and Steve) and I am glad for it. I hope that I too, despite my foibles, am able to be the kind of parent my Mom was and is. Of course there are things that I will do differently and things that I will hope I am doing differently - but probably won't due to it being a 'learned behaviour' that I don't even recognize. But, being a Mom / parent seems so scary due to the depth of influence I will have and not have on a life.
4.) People touching my belly. Back off - that's all I have to say. If I don't invite you - don't try. Sorry - I am not the touch-type and can't see how someone can justify touching someone so intimately in this day and age. I'm not reaching out to touch any thing on you I may find interesting, so how does a swollen tummy filled with mine and Steve's baby give you permission to touch me?
So, there you have it. These are some of the things that go through my mind. Overall, I guess I am trying to prepare myself for the loss of some of my identity as I hear that happens. Seems that as I grow and then push a new life out I must sacrifice much of my own. Depressing. And I'm sure it doesn't have to happen - or at least not so intensely as I have imagined or perhaps stated. But, I am so scared of losing myself - of being in limbo. I am scared of not being content, of becoming angry, of being resentful of so much change all at once . . . I know that there will be many moments of joy, I know that though baby brings lots of work I will say at the end of the day, "It's worth it". But I fear the expense it will cost me and whether I will be able to make this sacrifice well so that baby is emotionally healthy, Steve is emotionally healthy, our marriage remains solid, and I too remain emotionally healthy and somewhat intact.
Thoughts?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
You will not be sacrificing your life, I have not sacrificed my own life, my life has grown. Just as your life grew when Steve entered it. Steve, the love of your life, and I know you know marriage is a struggle. There are compromises, there may have been times you wanted out, but inside through all that, you know you love him, you know it's for good. Arlo is absolutely another love of my life, there are struggles and compromises but I figure it out, because I love that little guy.
My identity, hmmm...I think I'm just stuck in figuring out how this new part of my identity fits in. Being a mother is the first thing about my identity that people see now, it's my full-time thing. I suppose it doesn't really "just fit in" either, it's something that you will be for the rest of your life...that's sort of amazing...
When Arlo's not with me, people don't know I'm a mother, and that makes me sad. I'm so proud to be a mother and, yes, even now, I too don't ever get "how are you?" It's always "How's Arlo?" ....but when you have that little one, you'll be so proud of them that if they don't ask about them you'll wonder why.
As for doing my best to remain emotionally healthy for Tim and I, for Arlo and for myself, well, I am blessed to have those handful of beautiful people who do ask "but how are you doing Chandra?"
Gillian I hope to be one of those people for you. You are going to be an amazing mother, you are very strong, have mounds of compassion and just the fact that you're thinking about these things shows how much you care.
However, I'm not going to lie, it's hard, I struggle with all the things your worried about, I'm emotionally, and physically drained, sleep deprived and ya...I still need to lose my "baby fat". I promise you though, when you see that baby's face and you and Steve watch that little one grow, it brings you a joy that I truly can't put into words and unfortunately don't believe you'll be able to understand until it happens...you'll just have to trust me....it really is incredible.
Chandra - you're great. Thanks for your insight. I feel better. I know I probably exagerated - but I guess after last night I got a little worried/ more scared. Thanks for saying that you've "grown" - I like that. And you're right - if someone didn't at least ask how my little one was - I'd be pretty pissed. Guess I want it all on my terms. Man I'm selfish. Baby's gonna knock that out of the park though I'm sure.
wow...i have so much going through my head right now as this is something I really struggle with. I was one of those new mothers who pounced on Rob when he walked through the door because I needed adult converstation. However, looking back it was in a way my own fault. I don't think that a baby takes your identity, I think as mothers we give it away. Right away we put the babies needs before our own. Life is no longer about us. Our focus shifts in such a sever way that we let who we used to be go.
Let me say that I think it's great that you are already thinking about these things now. I didn't. I really thought that being a mother was going to fullfill me in a way that nothing else could. And don't get me wrong, in a way it did. But I did have regrets, I still do. I regret that for years I was just Nadia's mom. I got depressed, lonely, and i even resented being a mother at times. I would see happy mothers and wonder what I was doing wrong.
I am doing much better now. What changed? 2 things. 1. I found friends with children. Remember, I was only 21 when I had Nadia. None of my friends had kids yet so no one related to how I felt. Once I found friends with children I was able to see that i wasn't the only one with these struggles. How did I meet these people? Through play groups at the local family resource center. It wasn't just a time to brag about our kids it was a time for us as moms to sit together and really connect. I have a passion for the Family Resource Center and I am now the Chariperson on the board of directors of the one in Kings County.
The second thing I did was get a job. i'm not saying that women can't be stay at home mom's without loosing their identities, but I couldn't. AT least not full time. I only started working 2 years ago and i only work Arpil-Sept and then I stay home the rest of the year. The 1st year I started working, I lost 30lbs. I started to feel good about myself again. It was like I had a purpose other then my children. I love my job and I miss it very much in the fall and winter.
As I read over what I've written I realize that some people may read this and think that I don't enjoy being a mom. That would be a wrong assumption. I love my children, they have brought such joy to my life. I wouldn't change being a mother for anything. I just think it's important to hang on to who you are. Bieng a parent is the most important job on the planet (i really believe that) but it's not who you are. You are Gillian! You are so many great things being a mother is just something else to add to who you already are. And because it seems you already know this I don't think you have anything to worry about.
Tracy - you rock my world. Thanks for your words. Press on sista!
time for an update....
Post a Comment